Developing Your Own Self Coaching Practice

CHAPTERS

SHOW NOTES

1. How I coach myself on a regular basis
2. How self coaching has helped me and can help you
3. 3 Steps to build your own practice

TRANSCRIPT

One of the best things you can do for your mental and physical health is create your own self-coaching practice. Today, I'm teaching you how to do this. Welcome to man in the Arena. This podcast is for men over 40 who want to master their health and weight loss goals once and for all, with innovative strategies, practical tools and insightful interviews. My goal is to help you overcome your limiting beliefs and achieve your optimal health. It's time to look good, feel good and do better. Hello and welcome to man in the Arena. I'm Craig Spear, a certified men's health and weight loss coach and a former professional athlete and very much still a regular athlete. As such, I've always had coaching in my life. The first official coach I ever had was when I played T-ball way back in 1984. But, of course, our first coaches are always usually our parents. So I've had great coaches along the way and a lot of not so great coaches along the way, and I also started coaching when I was in university, and I've been a coach ever since, whether it's as a fitness coach, a health coach, a weight loss coach, a football coach or even just mentoring young entrepreneurs who are starting their own businesses. When I sold my gym businesses in 2019, I decided to actually get a coaching certification because I wanted more tools to be able to help my clients better understand themselves. One of the first things I learned in that certification is the importance of coaching myself. First, one, because it helps me show up with a more neutral headspace, which allows me to hold space for my clients. And two, it helps me better understand the tools that I teach. Now I still have other coaches who I work with weekly because, at the end of the day, we all have our own blind spots and we need someone else to point those out to us. Also, a coach should be someone who has at least a few steps ahead of where you are and want to be, because they could show you what worked for them and they can rely on the experiences that they've had and the knowledge that they have to help you get over what might be holding you back. So you might be asking well, if I have a coach, why do I need to coach myself? Well, it's like learning any instrument, right? You might have a guitar lesson once a week with an instructor and, sure, over time you're going to learn the guitar, but you'll get there so much further and so much faster by coaching yourself and practicing along the way. All right, so this all comes down to more reps, and we know how valuable reps are. So, with that, here's what you can expect on the episode today. Number one I'm going to explain to you how I coach myself on a regular basis using a few key tools. Number two, I'm going to talk to you about how this has helped me. And number three I'll share three steps in terms of how you can build your own coaching practice. Okay, so how I coach myself. Now there's two very important tools that I use in self-coaching, and number one is a thought download, and number two is the thought model. A thought download is a simple tool where all you do is you write down all your thoughts on one piece of paper, one page of paper, whether that's in a journal, in a book, or you have a piece of computer paper, whatever it is one sheet minimum, all right. It works best if you put the pen to paper, but you could also use a notes app on your phone To do this effectively. You want to make sure you write without inhibition. Don't worry about your grammar, don't judge your sentences, just get your thoughts out on paper. Okay, and it helps if you focus your thought download on a specific circumstance. So, for example, let's say the circumstance is you have an employee that gives their notice, their two weeks notice right, that would be the circumstance. And then what you can do is you can do an entire thought download on that, or you can just go uninhibited and go in any real direction. All you're trying to do with the thought download is get the thoughts out of your brain and onto a piece of paper, because the purpose of this exercise is to bring awareness to your thoughts. So this is an awareness tool. Right, when we leave our thoughts alone and we're on autopilot, it's like giving a toddler a sharpie marker in a white room. A lot of damage can take place, because what happens is our thoughts just link from one thought to the next and they just kind of spew out and they stay unconscious, and they have. They lead to us having a certain feeling, a certain emotion, and then that emotion leads to a certain action and this is all our subconscious guiding us through life without any intention. So whenever we're, in any situation, it's so valuable to be able to get those thoughts onto a plain piece of paper and see them in front of us exactly what we're thinking. So step one is to do a thought download, get all of those thoughts onto a piece of paper. Step two is to identify the facts and thoughts in front of you. So once you have all this kind of scribble and these words in front of you on a piece of paper, what you can do is start to underline the facts and circle the thoughts. All right, but remember a fact is a neutral thing, it's something that everyone would agree about. Right, it's 95 degrees outside is a fact. Okay. If you said it's hot outside, then that's a thought. Back to our example of Jim giving his notice. Jim, giving you two weeks notice is a fact, okay. Back to the example of the employee giving you two weeks notice. Let's call him Jim. Jim, giving you two weeks notice is a fact. But if you said Jim unexpectedly gave us two weeks notice and barely gave us any time, is a thought, versus saying Jim give you barely any notice and he's leaving you in a bind, that would be a thought, not a fact. The fact is Jim give you two weeks notice. Then you have a thought about that. Now, once you've identified your thoughts, start asking yourself questions about these thoughts, questions like is it true, is it helpful? How does this thought serve me? What else is true? Again, the purpose of this thought download is to bring you awareness, to bring awareness to your thoughts and see how they start to impact you. So the goal at this point is just awareness. We're not trying to solve problems. We're not trying to come up with more helpful thoughts. That comes later. The last step as part of the thought download is to identify the thought that might be most troublesome, most bothersome, the one that's most prominent. This is what's called the central thought. This is the one that you take to the next tool, the second tool, which is the thought model. Now, one more thing I want to say. The more you do a thought download and I recommend doing a thought download daily the more you start to see patterns and disruptors in your thinking. You start to see negative thinking. You start to see how one thought leads to the next and, just like learning to play the guitar, over time you start to see things differently, start to gain more experience and more insights. You also start to see the thoughts that they're separate from you, that really they're just sentences in your brain and ultimately you get to decide what you want to do with them. Maybe there's a thought about yourself that you like, then keep it. Maybe there's thoughts that you have about yourself that aren't so nice, you get to let them go. That's it. That's the purpose of a thought download. Now, the thought model. This is where all the really good stuff happens. The thought model is another awareness tool, but this helps us conceptualize the outcome that the thoughts we're having. Okay. The second tool is the thought model, and this is where all the good stuff happens. The thought model is another awareness tool, just like the thought download, but this helps us conceptualize the outcome that our thoughts are actually having in a much more clearer way. So, to run a thought model, what I want you to do is write the letters C-T-F-A-R down the side of a page. Give some space in between each one of those letters C-T-F-A-R. The C stands for circumstance. Again, this is fact-based. It's neutral. Everyone would agree upon it. Jim, officially giving his two weeks is a fact. You have to be very careful here. You have to not exaggerate or embellish the circumstance using adjectives. Just state the facts. The T stands for thought. This is where you would put that central thought from your thought. Download in the T line Okay, again, this is subjective, this is something that you're thinking in your brain. It must be one sentence. It must be one sentence. Anything longer than one sentence is multiple thoughts and we really want to just focus on the central thought that is leading all of our turmoil and negative outcomes. So one thought, okay, the thought you might have in this example is Jim is our best employee and our bottom line is going to suffer without him. That's a thought, okay, f. F is the feeling. F is the feeling. This is the emotion that comes up when you have this thought. So in this case, when you think Jim is our best employee and it's going to affect our bottom line, that might lead you to feel worry, it might lead you to feel panic, it might lead you to feel maybe even betrayed or resentful, but there's one emotion that will surface. Again. We want to pick one thought and one feeling. That's it, because that one thought and that one feeling is going to lead to the next thing, which is the A, which stands for action, but also inaction. Everything we do in this world is because of an emotion. So, if you feel betrayed, what happens? What are the actions you take. Do you let Jim go early? Do you treat other employees differently? Do you start to be suspicious of other employees leaving? This is really important, okay. So you have to identify the actions that are happening or that might happen as a result of you feeling this one emotion, right, because the emotion that leads to the action, the action we have, always produces a result. And that's the last line, the R. Okay, so we've got CTFAR, circumstance thought, feeling, action, results. Okay, actions are so important because they produce the results. So if you let go of Jim early, right, then of course your bottom line might actually suffer. If you start to treat employees differently, you start to resent them or be suspicious of them. Maybe you start to they start to leave because you're treating them differently, right, so fascinating about this process is the result always proves the original thought to be true. So it just shows us how powerful our thinking is, right. By the way, this model that we just created, it's called an unintentional model. It's also an unconscious thought model, because you're not actively choosing these thoughts and these feelings and these actions and, by virtue, you're not choosing the result. It's very reactive, okay, remember that toddler with the Sharpie doing a lot of damage. Only after the result comes do you really start to see the impact that that's having, and maybe not even then. In addition to this being an awareness tool the thought download and the model they act as accountability, because what they do is they help us recognize that we're responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions and therefore we're responsible for the results that we get in our life. So it creates extreme ownership and accountability. If you can truly accept this and believe this and then apply it, you will see the tremendous power of what happens when you control what you think, how you feel and what you do. That's why this is so powerful as a self-coaching tool. If you can really become to understand the way that you're thinking, how that's impacting how you feel, and then how you show up as a result with certain actions or inactions, you could start to change that. Now. It's really important that once you've identified some of the negative thoughts and feelings that you just don't move on from there, that you still need to process and allow the feelings that you're having to exist and be there. Let me say that again you still need to process and allow the feelings that you're having to be there. One of the biggest mistakes that I've made using this tool is when I do a thought download and a model, then I try to move from this unintentional place to an intentional thought model without truly processing the emotions and feelings that I have. This is called emotional bypassing. You're never going to get the true, best results you want by rushing through the process. Here's why, if you come up with a new intentional thought but the emotion that you have is still present in your body, you're not going to be able to change your emotion with a new thought. Your body has to be on board To process and allow an emotion. It can take time. It can take weeks, sometimes months, maybe even years. We have to be able to process that emotion before we move on to an intentional model and start to change the results that we're getting. Here's an example. Think of a loved one passing. The circumstance is you have a loved one that's passed on. The thought is I'm going to miss their laugh and their smile, their kindness so much. Then suddenly you feel this emotion, this wave of grief. It hits you like a truck. Because you feel this grief, how do you act? Well, maybe you start to cry, you start to sob. You really start to tighten up. No amount of thought, downloads or models will take that grief away overnight. You simply can't start to create new thoughts in the moment that will relieve your grief. The grief is there. It's in your body, it's an emotion because you're having really strong thoughts about it. What you have to do is you simply have to allow that to be there. At the same time, you have to start to recognize the thoughts that you're having that are causing such grief. Once you've processed your emotions, then you can move on to your intentional model. This is where the circumstance is exactly the same. You write down CTFAR down the side of a page, but now you consciously create the thought, the feeling and the action and the result that you want. The circumstance is Jim giving two weeks notice. Now the thought goes to we're going to miss Jim, but this is an opportunity to find new talent and make our team even more cohesive. From this thought which you've created, this is now your new intentional thought. It leads to more hope. Maybe you're more hopeful as a result, or maybe you're excited Because of that. You treat your employees the way you've always treated them, or maybe you treat them with more purpose and connection. Maybe you start to look for Jim's replacement. You look for someone in a more discerning way. You don't just hire the first person. You hire someone who's going to really connect with your team in an authentic way. The result is now you prove your original thought to be true. You build an even more cohesive team and that improves the bottom line. You can see the power of this. The example I've used is around hiring someone, but this can apply to weight loss, to your health, whatever it is Okay. When you're creating your intentional models, a helpful tip here is to think in terms of your future or your ideal self. Start to think about how your future self, who's all knowing, who's skilled, who's experienced how is that person thinking, feeling and acting? Try to embody that person when you're creating these intentional models. Okay, this is the main coaching process that I take a lot of my clients through in my personal one-to-one calls with them, and this is the process I use myself. My clients don't always know that I'm using these tools, but this is a really effective way of helping them become one more aware of the thoughts and their feelings and their actions and then also helping them take ownership and be more accountable for what they're producing, but then also help them see so many more other possibilities that are available to them, instead of staying stuck in a negative spiral. Okay, when I do this practice, sometimes the thought and the feeling are not so apparent, and that's okay, right, I'm not always trying to find the more positive thought. Sometimes I'm just trying to pull thoughts apart, like untying a knot. Okay, sometimes you pull at something, it loosens something up and sometimes it doesn't, and so you have to be patient. You have to be willing to search for the true thought or limiting belief that's really getting in your way, and that's one of the benefits of doing this practice, ongoing on a daily basis and coaching yourself as you get much better at identifying the thoughts that are holding you back. Okay, if there's something that lingers for a long time and you can't get to the root of it, that's where outside coaching becomes really powerful. One of the things I really wish I had available to me were these tools the thought download and the thought model, especially when I was younger and playing football, because I would have had so much more success, so much more confidence and belief in myself, and I believe I would have had a lot more fun as well. Okay, the good news is, I have these tools now and I use them daily. And here's how these tools help me Right. Number one I'm so much more aware of the negative thinking that I have, and I'm able to stop those thoughts from building and spiraling. Okay, this really has helped me see how I see myself and how I treat other people. Another way that this has helped me is is helped me understanding the emotions that I feel and then how to regulate them in a healthy way. I used to just bottle up any kind of emotion and then it would eventually come out. Now I have so much more capacity and patience and understanding for myself. And then, lastly, I have such greater sense of self-worth because I've changed the opinions that I have of myself. Right, five years ago, I it's it's fair to say that I did not love myself at all. Okay, now there's so much more self-love, and that means I don't sabotage my success nearly as much as I used to. Okay, so here's how you can start to coach yourself. Number one set aside time each day. That's so important. Plant it in your calendar, give yourself some time to do a thought, download, identify the thoughts and the facts, identify the helpful and unhelpful thoughts. Then take that information, the centering thought, and complete an unintentional thought download, okay, one that you're not consciously aware of, but you could put the, the C, the T, the F, the A and the R in your model. Now, once you see the emotion, once you identify the emotion, the prominent emotion that's coming up, see if you can allow it to reside in your body without doing anything, just allow it to be there, whether that's anger, frustration, sadness or even a positive emotion, okay. Next, look for patterns and things that trigger you. Okay, look for negative core beliefs in your writing and then, lastly, write out models that you want to be true. Write out new intentional thought models with the results that you ultimately want to happen in your life. So, for example, what you can do is you can start to create intentional thought models. And what you can do is you can say let's say you want to lose 50 pounds. See TFAR down the side of a page. The C is your current weight. So let's say you weigh 250 pounds. That goes in the C line, neutral, it's fact-based. Everyone would agree upon it if you stepped on a scale and we could say 250. Then, instead of doing the TFA, I want you to write down the R. The R is your ideal weight of 200 pounds, so you want to lose 50 pounds. Now we go to the thought. Actually, now what we should do is we should go to the action. So what do you have to do to close this gap, to lose 50 pounds? Right, you have to plan your meals. You have to start to eat less, stop overeating, stop snacking, using the hunger scale. These are all actions. Now what feeling is going to lead you to taking these actions? Is it a feeling of self-worth, of confidence, of excitement? Is it a feeling of belief? And then go to your thought. What's the thought that's going to help you feel this way? Decide on the emotion, decide the thought that's going to lead you there, and then just repeat this model over and over and over again. This is a great way to practice self-coaching and achieve your goals and improve how you see yourself. I really encourage you to find time to do this daily. There you have it, fellas. Thank you so much for showing up, for doing this work. These are two tools that I use regularly. I really encourage you to use them as well. Look forward to next week our next week's episode. In the meantime, keep showing up doing the work so you can look better, feel better and be better. Now is the time to take action and change your life. Head on over to thespearmethodcom and discover how I can help you get started on your path. Better health and weight loss.